If you haven’t heard of Tinder, then you are either from the moon or in a happy monogamous relationship. Congrats!
But, for those of you single folk, Tinder will be just one of the many ways that you pick up hotties.
The concept is simple: Sign in using your Facebook account, pick your best photos (and that doesn’t include the BEST body part, yuck) and begin swiping people you want to date to the right and people who freak you the f**k out to the left.
But, what the hell has this got to do with Hawaii? Well, casual reader, everything. You see, people don’t just visit this small cluster of islands for the sun and SPAM sandwiches.
Hawaii is full of sexually-charged adults ready to let off some well-earnt steam. Like a moth to a flame, rompers from all over the world come to chill and make-out here.
And, like Tinder, Hawaii attracts all kinds. All. Kinds. For every guy with a puppy dog smile or boasting a six pack full of rippling goodness, there’s a dude living in his condo with his mom and his X-Box.
It’s safe to say that I’ve never been part of the Tinder crew, but ALL my friends have. One or two have gone on to find true love (sick bag) while others…errr….haven’t. (Wink wink.)
After hearing many a tragic tale of make-believe Hollywood actors really being busboys and so-called hunks being, well, not so much, I crunched some numbers and realized how Tinder and Hawaii could really be a match made in dating heaven.
So, for your reading enjoyment, I’ve come up with this not so educational dating guide to help you wade through the courting crud that sometimes hides between the Hawaiian cracks.
The “I’m only looking to get laid” Guy.
HOW TO SPOT:
Shirtless, handsome and full of self-assurance, this dude oozes sex. He might start by busting out the moves and giving you cheeky glances across the dance floor. Swoon!
This guy will be pretty up-front (ahem) about it from the start. The more buoyant of his species may even whisper his measurements into your ear at the bar, if you are both so inclined. For this guy, there’s no physical detail or fetish too personal that he won’t share, trust me.
Watch out for the “I’m only here for the day” and “I’m in the army” guys, too, as all are code words meaning a quickie behind Foodland is the most commitment that they can give you right now.
Depends what you’re looking for. If he looks non-murdery and, you know, maybe makes you hot, then do it! If he’s grabbed his balls more times than you can count or done any sort of weird thrusting move, then swipe left, even if it’s for sanitary purposes alone.
Killer Abs Dude
HOW TO SPOT:
He’s normally always in mid-squat at the gym or covered in mud after a rather long run, flexing his muscles when he thinks everyone is looking. Can always be found by the juicer, liquefying some green stuff that he jogged to the market for.
Loves to run, work out and eat healthy. Seeking the same ultra-fit woman is his goal. No fatties allowed! Sometimes Vegan, depending on the food and how HOT he thinks you are.
Could include a straight up Sir “health nut who scowls at your fries” or Commander “fitness freak,” who will make you only eat red food from now on and run up and down Waikiki Beach every day without stopping.
If you’re up at 5am for a sunrise hike or are someone who HAS to hit the gym every day without fail, them great, you’ve found your match. That’s one less health nut for the rest of the population to avoid!
HOW TO SPOT:
Wears black. Fully covered. Pale. Shifty looking. Possibly hiding from the cartels.
You will just know by looking at him, trust me.
“I’m on a secret mission for the CIA” and “I only have a day left to live.”
Do I even have to tell you? Left! Always left!
The Music Man aka The Hipster
HOW TO SPOT:
He’ll be carelessly strumming his acoustic guitar while admiring the waves. Will look like he should be in a game of “Guess Who?” because of his horn-rimmed glasses and fuzzy facial hair. Tries hard to make himself look more unattractive than he really is.
He loves music and serenading sweet young things into the night. He has a great sense of humor, but no idea on when or where to use it. (“She’s going down, I love you Tinder” was ACTUALLY sung to a friend by a guy like this, lol.) He has views on everything, which often change depending on his mood.
“I’m too sexy for my pants” and Mr “I’m very awkward, yet hot.”
If snuggling under a clear sky is your dream date, then it has to be right! But, be prepared to wait a LONG old time for him to finally muster up the courage to ask you out. Who has the time for that?
The Old Guy
HOW TO SPOT:
He’ll look good, think of Pierce Brosnan in Mamma Mia or Tom Selleck in Blue Bloods or he won’t. Bless him. He will act cool, probably be alone. Maybe attending a vintage car show.
He say’s he is 42 but really he’s 55. Oh, ok then, he’s not over the 60 hump, just yet. Laying on the charm is his game, because, let’s be honest, he hasn’t got a lot left.
“The sly old dog” and “silver surfer” come to mind….
Wait…is that your mom’s friend Bill? No? Left Left. Unless he really is GC then it’s a right, stupid!
Bummed you haven’t found your perfect man in paradise? Keep swiping, left, right, left… because truly, the perfect man doesn’t exist sugar! Oh, and if he does, then he’s mine. Finders keepers!