You’re face down in a toilet in a beach park bathroom puking your guts out. That’s the last time you share a sandwich with a homeless guy!
Your new wife is on her cell with her divorce attorney and the police have arrived to take your statement about how you were scammed on a vacation condo rental. Your rental car is totaled and you are headed towards bankruptcy.
Yes, it’s the Hawaiian honeymoon vacation from Hell.
It didn’t have to be this way. You just failed to read our handy guide for travelers who want to have a fun and trauma-free Hawaiian vacation, full of fun, trauma-free Hawaiian activities.
Here are some tips for avoiding this kind of travel nightmare.
Don’t travel the hard way
It’s not all about the bass, it’s all about the planning, beginning with your flight to Hawaii.
When you book a flight and make a seat selection, try real hard to get an exit row. You’ll love the leg room, and, if the plane crashes into the ocean, you’ll get out of the plane first!
We know that you have romance on the brain and are fantasizing about getting it on with your new bride shortly after arriving at your vacation rental or hotel. However, it is essential that you don’t take the Viagra too soon, as in before the flight. Between the crammed quarters and lack of leg room, it could mean several hours of very embarrassing discomfort.
Too pooped to travel?
Sometimes, you have no control over your seat selection, but there are things you want to avoid, such as nervous service dogs with weak bladders. A few years ago, a service dog pooped twice (yes, number 2) on a commercial flight, forcing the pilot to make an emergency landing and causing several passengers to reach for the vomit bags. And, you were worried about turbulence!
Seat selection is a science, with experts even offering advice on seat-pitch, seat-width and strategies on how to get the seat that you want.
Bring your own grub
Make sure that you pack a light meal to take on the flight. You never know what you’ll get to eat. Hepatitis A or food poisoning can put a real damper on your Hawaiian vacation – although you can lose weight this way.
Pro Tip- By now, you should know that you can’t bring drinks through airport security. Get your liquids after you clear the body scan. Otherwise, TSA will help you pour your bucks down the drain.
When you book the flight to travel with your spouse or partner, if possible, get two seats together without another person in the same row. You don’t want to sit next to some sickly soul who is hacking and blowing snot all over you, or someone with the kind of body odor that brings tears to your eyes. If this unfortunate scenario happens to you, we suggest wearing a surgical mask and rubber gloves. (They come in multiple colors too!).
Be aware there’s always the chance you’ll sit next to someone who melts your ear with mindless conversation. It will make you wish you were flying on the outside of the plane. We suggest watching several movies and keeping your buds in for the entire flight, or knocking yourself out with Ambien.
Don’t get taken for a ride
Make reservations with a reputable shuttle or cab company and read the reviews on Yelp, first. Don’t improvise when you get to the airport and jump into an unmarked vehicle with an overeager, sketchy looking driver who reeks of cigarettes and booze. He will no doubt take a very long scenic route to your hotel or rental – and you will be charged up the butt for it.
Pro Tip- We love Uber. You probably do, too. In case you don’t know the skinny on Uber airport pickups, it’s really simple. Most Uber drivers can’t pick up at the airport. So, jump on a friendly hotel or rental car shuttle bus. Once you arrive at their location, request your Uber there. See? Simple.
Don’t be a victim
How about that sweet deal on Craig’s List for a cozy vacation rental? The description in the ad sucked you right in – lovely beachfront location, breathtaking views, it read. You quickly sent your credit card info to the Hotmail email address that the ad provided.
After you arrived, your GPS led you straight to a homeless encampment. Now, your spouse is no longer thinking about sex. She is thinking about the cost of a flight home and how she married a moron.
Another piece of advice: If you are going to rent a condo, google the location first. Make sure that you’re not staying next to a strip club where fights in the parking lot are a nightly occurrence. After all, it’s hard to hear the TV over the sounds of glass breaking, gunshots and sirens.
I recently spent the better part of an evening listening to a Taiko drum rehearsal next to my hotel room in Hilo. Instead of ending the evening with a Mai Tai, I ended it with a MIGRAINE. Also, at the sight of the first rodent, call the front desk and ask for a new room, a refund or a free can of Raid – your choice.
Even if the accommodations look decent enough, still check the mattress for stains, make sure that the air conditioner works and check out any peculiar odors (like rotting human flesh) coming from inside the walls or under the bed.
Invasion of the man-eating bacteria
Another concern should be the hot tub or swimming pool. Make sure that you have no open wounds, scrapes or sores before taking a dip.
Kevin Munro, of Federal Way Washington, is still recovering from the trauma that nearly ruined his Maui honeymoon. On the island with his new bride, he went for a swim in the hotel pool and wound up with a Staph infection!
Munro still shakes, when he recalls the incident and he has a stern warning for other travelers.
“Always shower before and after swimming – even in the hotel or condo pool – unless you are fond of having parts of your body turn purple, getting a fever and spending the rest of your trip on the strongest antibiotics available. Chlorine doesn’t kill everything.”
The Road to Hana and bankruptcy
Driving the winding, 64-mile Road to Hana, on Maui, will have you furiously snapping photos as you take in some of the most splendid ocean views on the planet. You will also adore the lush landscapes, vegetation and eye-popping waterfalls.
The drive connects Paia with the town of Hāna in east Maui. Don’t miss the ‘Ohe’o Gulch (which means “something special”), also called the Seven Sacred Pools. Even take a swim, when water levels permit it.
But, DO NOT drive your rental car on the unpaved backside of the island after you have reached the beginning of the Kipahulu region. It could mean the road to bankruptcy after the rental car agency sticks you with the repair bill! Rental companies explicitly forbid their customers from this Hawaiian vacation activity because the rugged terrain can damage the car.
Let’s get this party started!
Okay, so now you know what not to do. Here’s some vacation activities that will make this Hawaiian honeymoon extra special and unforgettable.
Every Friday is the 4th of July in Waikiki
Watch the sunset on the beach outside the Hilton Hawaiian Village in Waikiki on a Friday night. Lay down a blanket, open a bottle of wine, snuggle with your honey and enjoy the free fireworks display. Afterwards, have a drink and a meal right next to the beach at the Tropics Bar & Grill, which also features nightly local Hawaiian entertainment.
If cost is no issue, or your wife’s rich daddy gave you a whole truckload of money as a wedding gift and demanded: “kids, go out and live it up, on me!”- then elegant, fine dining might be the way to go in this situation.
La Mer is one of the finest French restaurants in Hawaii and is located in Honolulu. You won’t have to worry about getting food poisoning at this fine establishment. Located in the upscale Halekulani Hotel, diners are entranced by the tranquil ambience, quality cuisine and stunning ocean views.
Don’t go into this restaurant in your slippers, shorts and a tank top. You will be shamed, chastised in French and escorted out. Women should be wearing evening attire and men must wear long sleeve shirts, shoes, slacks and a jacket.
Don’t feel like dressing up? Head to the North Shore and have your romantic dinner in front of one of the numerous and eclectic food trucks, like Dat Cajun Guy or The Elephant Truck. Then, head back to your accommodations and get down to business.
Now, doesn’t this sound a hell of lot better than having your face in the toilet, going bankrupt and getting divorced!
Not enough activities? Check out these things to do on Oahu!!