Hawaii and the Tiresome Thrifty Traveler
Today, the Tiresome Thrifty Traveler is going on holiday to Hawaii, with his two kids and wannabe footballer’s wife.
The Tiresome Thrifty Traveler has spent the last week washing all of the holiday clothes, packing for everyone in between working all week.
Footballer’s Wife is painting her nails and watches her husband periodically. “What’s the point in cleaning now? We’re only going to mess it up again when we get back.”
The Tiresome Thrifty Traveler replies, “That’s the fucking point” and doesn’t bother looking up at her $100-dollar pout.
Footballer’s Wife has looked for her coconut oil, failed to find it, asked Tiresome Thrifty Traveler to find it, then complained that there’s no room for her head massager as she chucks another sundress into her already overweight suitcase.
The Tiresome Thrifty Traveler family are at the airport. She is checking everyone in, because there’s a better chance of getting an upgrade when you’re hot (at least she thinks she’s hot) compared to looking like an overworked dog.
The Tiresome Thrifty Traveler is trying to stay awake, because he has been up since 5am.
Both kids are crazed with excitement about their holiday to Hawaii and are demonstrating this by repeatedly running all over the terminal, trying to find Pokemon, while screaming at each other when they finally find one.
The Tiresome Thrifty Traveler hates fucking Pokemon. It seemed like a good idea at the time and it kept them quiet for a bit, but now it’s an evil weapon of noise disruption.
The kids are waiting in a very long queue to get through security.
Footballer’s Wife insists that they change queues every five minutes, because she is convinced that by doing so, she is somehow beating the system. At least this gives both kids a new set of Pokemon to scream about.
After security, Tiresome Thrifty Traveler consents to a brief stop in Duty-Free.
Tiresome Thrifty Traveler has grabbed the holiday whiskey and is trying to stop the kids from crashing into a pillar of candy while hunting for more bloody Pokemon. Meanwhile, Footballer’s Wife is distracted by perfume samples and glossy makeup packs.
Footballer’s Wife wonders if her life would be different if she owned Beyoncé’s new fragrance.
Tiresome Thrifty Traveler drags Footballer’s Wife away from the beautiful things, because he is very anxious about finding the gate.
“The gate is that way,” says Tiresome Thrifty Traveler.
Footballer’s Wife ignores him. It must be this way, she thinks, because the people are prettier.
“The gate is that way.” says Footballer’s Wife.
“That is what I said,” Tiresome Thrifty Traveler mumbles under his breath.
The Tiresome Thrifty Traveler family are on the airplane.
Footballer’s Wife is not speaking to Tiresome Thrifty Traveler and has threatened to stay behind when she discovers that they didn’t get an upgrade.
The only reason Footballer’s Wife hasn’t made good on this threat is because she’s hoping to find and run away with a dishy Hawaiian businessman with a big wedge.
Tiresome Thrifty Traveler swears, to himself, that if she complains about being in economy or charges her fourth gin in twenty minutes to his credit card, he is getting off and leaving her with the kids.
“Did you manage to find my coconut oil?” asks Footballer’s Wife.
“We’re bored. There’s no Pokemon here. Can we get off now? Are we there yet?” asks the kids, while head-butting the chairs in front.
Tiresome Thrifty Traveler cannot fucking wait for the nice lady to come round with his JD on the rocks so he can wash down his sleeping pills.
Touching down in Hawaii, the Tiresome Thrifty Traveler smiles at the twats queuing for car rental. He’s known about The Bus for a while and imagines it’s quite relaxing being carted around by a chilled out local.
Footballer’s Wife is pissed.
It has taken quite a lot of persuasion for Footballer’s Wife to get Tiresome Thrifty Traveler to go to Hawaii.
Tiresome Thrifty Traveler thought it was too much money and a ball ache with the kids.
Footballer’s Wife has promised that there would be loads of cheap things that they could do together, like visit Pearl Harbor and watch the free Fireworks show from Waikiki Beach.
Tiresome Thrifty Traveler had actually rather come round to the idea of Hawaii and had visions of camping on the beach, snorkeling for hours with sea turtles and trying some of the local food trucks.
Despite all indications to the contrary, Tiresome Thrifty Traveler is an eternal optimist. A mostly drunken optimist, but an optimist, all the same.
Footballer’s Wife has packed a selection of gorgeous shoes and floaty dresses and several of her “favorite” meds and chucks her suitcase above her head.
“What the fuck is this?” asks Footballer’s Wife as she surveys The Bus.
Tiresome Thrifty Traveler and the kids don’t mind the well-frayed nylon seats or the slight smell of sweat.
Footballer’s Wife does not do sweat. Or buses.
After a brief row, Footballer’s Wife grudgingly shuts up and rummages through her bag for her lovely happy pills.
Tiresome Thrifty Traveler definitely hears Footballer’s Wife mutter. “This is fucking ridiculous” hundreds of times, but chooses to ignore her, for he knows she would complain about a limo, if it wasn’t gold plated and driven by Barak Obama himself.
Two hours later, the Tiresome Thrifty Traveler family arrive at the condo.
The digs are not what the Footballer’s Wife expected at all. It’s a condo for starters, with a kitchen and only two beds. Footballer’s Wife had presumed that there would be a concierge, maybe handing out those flower necklaces that everyone wears and a bar packed full of tropical cocktails. Maybe even a spa. Maybe this guide will help you make a solid decision.
“Help me drag these up the stairs.” Says Tiresome Thrifty Traveler, indicating the luggage.
Footballer’s Wife looks at Tiresome Thrifty Traveler blankly. Footballer’s Wife cannot think of one single thing she has ever done in her life that could have given Tiresome Thrifty Traveler the impression that she might like vacationing in Maui in this structure.
Making an excuse that the kids need the restroom, Footballer’s Wife grabs their hands and lugs them up the stairs. She’s actually pleasantly surprised by the little condo, but in no way shape or form will she admit that out loud.
Footballer’s Wife is sitting on the balcony overlooking the beach, enjoying the sunshine with another glass of wine and thinking that despite the unsatisfactory sleeping situation and the general cooking issue, the condo isn’t half bad.
Tiresome Thrifty Traveler has insisted they will be going to Steak Shack for dinner. He promises that there will be plenty of wine and chips and that they can then take a walk along the beach before bed.
Footballer’s Wife was hoping for a something a bit more classy than a steak, but anything with wine tastes good, in her opinion.
At bedtime, the nasty reality of what the Tiresome Thrifty Traveler has done dawns on Footballer’s Wife.
She has allowed herself to be blinded by the 1-minute walk to the beach and the promise of wine on tap and now is going to have to sleep in the same room and probably in the same bed as the kids.
Footballer’s Wife is in bed. With the kids. At 7.30pm. Footballer’s Wife is not happy about this. She wanted to go out and snag herself a sugar daddy. Instead, she has to listen to three people fart and snore.
Footballer’s Wife is not drunk enough for this shit.
The next morning, Tiresome Thrifty Traveler suggests that they go on a fun hike. You know, one of those educational ones? Then, they can stop at a local deli for lunch.
It’s hot. And, her feet hurt. Tiresome Thrifty Traveler doesn’t have that problem, because he is a smug twat and has some special hi-tech shoes that keep him cool. If the shoes were slightly less fucking ugly, Footballer’s Wife would demand he lend them to her for a walk tour in Kauai.
But, Footballer’s Wife has standards and she would rather her feet turn into one giant blister than wear anything so hideous.
The Bus rattles past and people look out complacently at Footballer’s Wife hobbling along the road.
Footballer’s Wife thinks, “What has it come to that I am envying people on a bus?”
Tiresome Thrifty Traveler pulls out his phone and shows her all the under $10 dollar activities that they can do while here in beautiful Hawaii.
Footballer’s Wife nods and plans how to push him off the balcony, without the kids witnessing it.