You’re a special kind of solo traveler on Maui who wants to enjoy a fantabulous, fun Hawaiian vacation. But, you want to do it alone.
There could be several different reasons you travelled to the islands to make new fun memories all by yourself. You may be in hiding for some reason (maybe an ex is out for blood and she doesn’t work for the Red Cross, or you owe money to the Cartels).
You may have an anti-social personality disorder and are terror-stricken, merely by the sight of other people. You may be an oddball or you may have no friends. Maybe you are just in the U.S. Federal Witness Protection Program.
Or, maybe you just like to have some solitary fun in Hawaii where you don’t have to worry about entertaining anyone but yourself.
Hey, if you are in witness protection, maybe the FBI threw in a fun Hawaiian vacation package along with that new identity. People in WPP also want to keep a low profile – you know: avoid cameras, crowds and attention-getting behavior – like getting blitzed and jumping on stage at a Maui Luau, ripping off your clothes and trying to kiss one of the dancers. You don’t want to go viral and wind up on You Tube with 10,000 hits. The Mafia or your ex might be watching.
One way to enjoy yourself and feel local in the Hawaiian Islands is to go on a peaceful, stress-reducing hike – somewhere off the beaten path, in a place virtually void of those annoying humans.
But first, a few things to remember
You could get eaten alive by a variety of insects, including the particularly vicious centipede. It won’t kill you, but get bit by one of these suckers and you may wish you were dead. In rare cases a bite has resulted in delusions and insanity.
Another Hawaiian fun fact: there are wild pigs on the island. Do not pet them or take a selfie with them. Just leave them alone, especially a mom with her piglets. Pigs are anti-social in nature just like you, but, unlike you, they have sharp tusks and anger management issues. At anywhere from 175 to over 200 pounds, if they attack, they will likely have their own Luau, with you as the main course.
Must-haves on an outdoor hike? You know the drill: a towel, sunscreen, plenty of water, snacks, bug repellent, breath mints, mace and a fully-charged cell phone. And remember, if you’re feeling amorous, cover your body with that mosquito repellent. Rumor has it that it can be an aphrodisiac, so you might get some spontaneous action with someone or something during your hike.
Pay attention to your surroundings, because conditions can take a sharp turn. Your trail can become muddy, impassable, or worse yet you can be swept away by a flood or buried in a mudslide. Rocks are slippery so wear the right shoes, (light hiking boots or sturdy running shoes).
Another tip for people in hiding and in the WPP: Don’t get lost or injured and wind up on the local news. No telling which one of your enemies might see you being airlifted off of the top of a mountain.
The Bamboo Forest on Maui’s Pipiwai Trail
If you’re on Maui, one of the best places to visit is the bamboo forest along the Pipiwai Trail. Thick groupings of bamboo stalks, streams and fresh water pools – it’s all there for your enjoyment. When the win d blows, the dulcet sounds of the bamboo stalks bumping together have a tranquilizing effect. At the end of the trail is the 400 foot Waimoku Falls. Cool off with a dip in the swimming holes and waterfalls.
Enjoying the beach…. in secret on Maui
Visitors can be sparse at the Paako Cove, also known as Secret Cove in Makena. Instead of screaming kids, barking dogs and obnoxious tourists, you’ll be seduced by sweet serenity and solitude. Nestled on the South side of Maui, Paako Cove offers snorkeling and body boarding activities too.
Another cool Hawaii fact: occasionally, a wedding will take place here, so, if you are feeling particularly outgoing, you can pretend to be a wedding guest and consume some free champagne and grub.
Channeling you inner hippie
Don’t want to take a chance in being recognized on your Hawaiian adventure, go incognito and wear a disguise when you visit Paia. Think dark glasses, a beard (or a fake beard), or really have fun and cross-dress (think Tyler Perry and the Medea movies).
Grow you hair long – white guys- think long pigtails, ladies- consider dreadlocks. Black guys- think huge Afros or Jeri Curls. Go Vegan for a few days or go spearfishing to capture your breakfast on one of the many quiet Maui beaches. Just be careful not to impale one of the locals or you will get that unwanted attention we mentioned earlier.
Visiting Paia Town is a unique Hawaiian cultural experience. In Paia Town you can learn about the fascinating history of the region’s agriculture business, or stroll into the center of town and be whisked back in time to the 1960s hippie culture zone. Be sure to download the Woodstock album on your IPOD.
Warning: Under no circumstances should you light up a cigarette or cigar – you may be run out of town. People here are very health and environmentally conscious. This warning does not include the smoking of other mind-altering products, though.
Paia was once known for its booming Hawaiian sugarcane business – another delicious slice of Hawaiian history you will want to share. After checking out the eclectic mix of boutiques, art galleries, surf shops and restaurants, take a big chill pill, meditate and find some inner peace at the Maui Dharma Center. You don’t have to be a Tibetan Buddhist, either. Just keep your mouth shut and look serene.
Fly like an eagle
Okay, with a little help from a boat and a parasail. We’re talking fun activities above ground. Another exhilarating outdoor Hawaii activity is parasailing, something you can do alone, as you soar high above the island with your hair blowing in your face and your stomach in your throat.
Here’s the scoop: you will be towed behind a boat, attached to a specially designed parasail wing. An 800- foot line means that you are approximately 38 stories above the surface. Prices at most companies range from $75 – $150. The ride usually lasts from 15-30 minutes. There will likely be other people on the boat, but ignore them; you get to do this memorable activity alone.
Take your GoPro video camera to record the POV (Point of View) perspective. Most rides will conclude with a dip into the ocean, so be prepared. This is not for people who get airsick or suffer from Acrophobia. Take some Dramamine and don’t go on the trip with a full stomach. A few restrictions: 60 pound minimum weight requirement, and sorry, pregnant women cannot participate.
Okay, you’re all set. And yes, tell your nosy friends that you are going to visit the tropical paradise alone. Traveling to Hawaii alone doesn’t mean being lonely. Make your own kind of special memories, all by yourself and the ex and the hitman who is contracted to kill you won’t be the wiser.