Grilling in grass skirts, wearing paper garlands and attempting to force your body to bend under a stick -this is how you throw down at a luau party.
Only, as you can imagine; to actually enjoy tacky fashion choices and an unnaturally low center of gravity, it helps if you have a ton of alcohol coursing through your system.
When life gives you luau, drink booze and be merry and get drunk enough to smash haphazardly at a piñata. Oh wait that’s Mexico – scrap that.
A good luau feast certainly needs a splash or two of sugarcane soaked spirits, lava filtered vodka and Koloa rum. Weigh down your table with huli huli chicken, perfectly picked poke and tasty taro rolls and get ready to have a ball.
These gloriously chilled out cocktails are best sipped with your feet in the pool or while digging your toes in the sand. Can there be anything more amazing than a fresh faced fruity cocktail in hand, the sun melting like an orange popsicle in the sky, and jaw dropping views of Hawaii’s exquisite green splashed mountains?
Well, yes there can; watching Nicolas Cage compilations on YouTube, but sometimes you need to tear yourself away from that wrecking ball of a man. If you don’t know what I mean by that, then check here;
But, I digress. Take a look at these chilled out cocktails to get your luau party started…
For Crooning Like Elvis and Mourning the Loss of Tom Cruise…Blue Hawaii
The poster child for Hawaii all-inclusive resorts has to be this daringly bright blue cocktail served in a tall glass with a chunk of dribbling pineapple. Inspired by the crooning tunes of Elvis (before the whole hamburger, toilet incident), the rolling azure waters and the laid back way of life – bartender Harry Yee was the first to shake up this signature classic.
Grab a bottle of Bacardi, a hit of blue curacao, a touch of coconut cream and a splash of pineapple juice. Throw everything into a cocktail shaker with lashings of ice and get your shake on. Pour into a tall glass filled with cracked ice, adorn with a slab of pineapple and its Tom Cruise- eat your heart out.
PS what the hell happened to Tom Cruise; how did we go from swoon to scientology???
For Terrible Puns and to be a Walking Cliché…Mai Tai
After spending half an hour trying to come up with an appropriate Mai Tai pun (suggestions on a postcard please), I decided to give up and let the cocktail do the talking. The magic of a Mai Tai will make you feel like you are drinking up all the goodness of the Polynesian sun and goes great with typical luau food. If you want to know more about whipping up a luau feast, then you are welcome;
Time to reach, once more, for that bottle of Bacardi. Only this time, dress it up with some cool Cointreau, a hit of Bacardi Carta Negra and a dash of gorgeous grenadine. Slip it all into a cocktail shaker brimming with ice, top with orange and pineapple juice, squirt in a little fresh lime and shake for all you are worth.
Serve in a glass with a hunk of ice and garnish with lime wedges and a sprig or two of mint.
For When You Want to Throw Around Fantasy Realm References…Lava Flow
Ready for an eruption of boozy wonder? The Lava Flow is one of those tongue-in-cheek cocktails that looks and tastes simply glorious. It’s like a storm of ice and fire in a long tall glass (Game of Thrones fans take note; that reference was for you).
This one is a tad more work than the whole throw it in a glass and pump your muscles, but, trust me, the effort is worth it. First of all, pick up a punnet of frozen strawberries and blend them up with some rum to make a delicious puree. Put to one side.
Next up; coconut rum, light rum, half a banana, pineapple juice and coconut cream. Assemble ingredients. Your brain will think you are making a deliciously healthy smoothie. Your body will be crying Yes!! Finally!! Feed me something nutritional and good. Ignore your body. Your brain wants booze. Your body will just have to cope. Blend all that good stuff up.
Pour a little of the strawberry mix into the bottom of a glass. Fill up with the bountiful blender ingredients. Then slowly pour in some more of the strawberry puree. It will trickle and run and look like swirling lava or the fiery pits of Mordor (Lord of the Rings fans take note; that reference was for you. Bet you never thought you could fit so many geek references into a luau cocktail menu post right?).
For When You Want to Pretend That Drinking in the AM is Absolutely Fine…Kona Coffee Martini
When you are passed out on the sands and panting in the heat, the last thing you want is a thick and creamy chocolatey cocktail. Trust me, I’ve been there. This is why I suggest the Kona Coffee Martini as a breakfast drink. Oh OK, brunch, I can call it brunch so I don’t get you frog marched to the nearest AA meeting.
Brew up a pot of melt in the mouth, shiver down the spine, rocket up the ass, Kona coffee. Dig out one of those old fashioned awesome glasses, the kind Leonardo DiCaprio would use in the Wolf of Wall Street. Also if you want to know more about why Kona Coffee is the crack of the caffeine world, then check here;
Coat the rim of the glass in a luscious macadamia nut liquor and then dip into some deliriously dark brown sugar. Fill the glass with ice, pour in the coffee, a hit of Baileys Irish Cream and a shot of Grand Marnier. Good morning.
For When You Want to Pretend That You Are Doing your Body a Favor…Watermelon Mojito
They say that alcohol dehydrates, but we all know that watermelon hydrates. What happens when you mix the two together? Do they cancel each other out? Guilt free drinking? Scientists and doctors need not reply; optimists only.
The watermelon mojito is just delicious and it’s one of those drinks for afternoon luaus in the sweltering sun, when the ocean breeze is salting your skin. Blend up a mahoosive slab of watermelon with some Big Island Lehua honey. It will get sticky, so add a dash of soda water to loosen things up.
Add some lime and rum, muddle in a little mint, throw in a bunch of ice and shake to exhaustion. Pour into a chilled glass edged with Hawaiian pink sea salt and garnish with more mint, lime and a wedge of watermelon. Chillax (yeah, I went there).
So, there you have it, some delectable cocktail recipes that will turn your Sunday afternoon lazy luau buffet into a full on, messy, but wonderful brawl. Just make sure to have the paramedics on hand for when your gran does the limbo and realizes she can’t get back up!