Lovers flock to the shores of Hawaii to roll in the sands, as if they are starring in the music video for Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game.
They hold hands on the broken shoreline, mooning at each other with big eyes, barefoot and whispering sweet nothings into the wind.
They let the candlelight flicker as they share a moment across a plate of poi. And, they tell everyone who is unfortunate enough to stumble into their path that ‘it’s their honeymoon’, oblivious to the gritted teeth and glazed eyes that usually greet this declaration.
Are we cynical or is PDA just sooo circa 2015? I mean give me PDA any day over DDA. Digital declarations of affection are officially THE WORST. Yes, guys, we know you are in love. No, we don’t need to read a gazillion status updates listing all of the reasons why or to see the adorable thing you did together last weekend. NO ONE CARES, not even your mother.
If you don’t know what we mean, then these teeth grinding reminders are sure to make it clear.
So, in the spirit of cynicism and for all those couples out there who are sick of forcing themselves to gag on sweet nothings and choke on rose petals, we have concocted a brief list of things to do in Hawaii that don’t involve smooching, beach mooching or getting holed up in a honeymoon suite with someone feeding you grapes for days.
These are the very best, or the worst things to do in Hawaii for those who refuse to touch romance with a big stick.
Surf and Snot and Saltwater…So Sexy
Who needs romance, when you can just choose to be cool?
Surfing is the healthier version of smoking cigarettes. You think you look like James Dean. But, in fact, you are wheezing, like a 200-pound dude trying to make it up the stairs and your skin is a weird kind of jaundice yellow.
Surfing is, without a doubt, one of the most unromantic activities that you can do in Hawaii. You spend the whole time coughing up salt water, rubbing your stinging eyes and suffering snot streaming down your face. Could there be a sexier look?
And, when you aren’t falling down like a drunk man, you are squatting on the board like a teeny tiny sumo wrestler and screaming at your beloved to stop laughing at you when you trip over your trailing leash on the sand. We would choose to do that over a having a romantic dinner any day!
It will take you a long time to get to the stage of svelte super cool board babe. But, in the meantime, you can kiss romance farewell as you flop into bed an exhausted sack of stretched muscle and drift into the deepest slumber there is.
Trust us, after surfing – even if Travis Fimmel tried to kiss you awake, you would punch him in the face and roll over with a snore.
If you need any more reasons to embrace the art of surfing, this article has got you covered…
Death and Disease at the Kalaupapa Leper Colony
Hawaii is a place cloaked in beauty. The lush deep cut valleys, the tumbling waterfalls, the pristine gin colored seas – is this heaven or what?
Yet, even paradise has a dark side and, for those who are tired of crowing about how beautiful everything is – you can step into the shadows at Kalupapa.
Forget fine dining and couple’s massages – if you really want to kick romance in the teeth, then the leper colony on the remote island of Moloka’I is perfect. Nothing says I love you like tiptoeing through the horrors of history.
Since the 19th century, over eight thousand lepers have arrived at this spot, after being banished by the King of Hawaii. The crashing surf and the wild and rugged mountains, both serving to strand them far from civilization.
Residents speak of spear fishing and hunting in the hills. We cannot help but remember Lord of the Flies. Poor, poor Piggy.
This piece of history, often swept under the carpet, is a stark reminder that, even when the sun is shining and the sky is the purest shade of blue, death still lingers in every corner. It’s like sharing your honeymoon with Nietzsche!
Without a doubt, the Kalaupapa leper colony is one of the weirdest attractions in Hawaii. Come-on, how bizarre is this place???
Spine Tingling Tales and Choke Holds on the Oahu Ghost Tour
This walk on the dark side is a reminder that the night isn’t just for red hot rolls between the sheets or soft and silky cuddles, but is also the place for ghouls and ghosts to linger.
Hawaii is brimming with the unexplained and dashed with tales of terror, ancient mythology and untold legends. On this tour, you can hear spine chilling tales of fire goddesses, strange apparitions, the choking ghost of Waikiki and more.
The tour takes you to the infamous Morgan’s Corner, the most haunted spot in the whole of Hawaii. This is a spot marred with horrific murders, hairpin bends, gnarled trees and terrible tales of apparitions hanging from branches, not to mention the strange tapping noises on the rooftops of parked cars.
This is one tour on Oahu that will stay with you.
Sweeping Dunes of Trash and Plastic Sunsets at Kamilo Beach
If you balk at the thought of walking hand in hand with your lover along the pale shoreline, feeling the pink shells crack beneath your feet and gazing out at the white rollers – then Kamilo Beach is the best place to be.
Hailed as the world’s dirtiest beach, you can enjoy wading through dunes of pastel colored plastic, sandcastles adorned with old toenail clippings, and, instead of broken shells, you may just find pieces of old cars, Barbie doll limbs and toy guns.
This veritable treasure chest beneath your feet is the perfect spot for wrinkling your nose in disgust, complaining loudly and trying to push away that icy cold chill of guilt (yeah, we are part of the species that caused this problem).
To rub salt water in the wound, this was once a white sand paradise where natives would come to collect logs to build their canoes. PS- soz about that, Planet Earth. Check out more romantic tour ideas on this site.
Take an early evening walk, watching the fiery glow of the sinking sun bounce off pieces of rubble, get tangled in an abandoned fishing net and embrace the beautiful feeling of disappointment.
Hey, on the plus side, this is one of those rare free things to do on the Big Island.
So, there you have it. It’s completely understandable why you and your new life partner wouldn’t want to enjoy fabulous meals, breathtaking sunsets and lots of tonsil hockey and we hope we’ve inspired you with our list of alternatives.