Blah blah, paradise, eternal sunshine blah. Yep, there sure are plenty of amazing reasons why living in Hawaii is rad.
People are happier, healthier and less stressed, which is great. But, it sure does come with a few annoyances, too.
I know, I know. Cry me a river, right?
Unsurprisingly, wherever you go in the world, you have a chance of bumping into a tourist nut job or the continually lost and confused herd, with their dodgy makeshift Hawaiian shirts and cameras around their neck. But, here in Hawaii, we attract the real elite class of devouts and upmarket weirdoes.
So, who’s up for a game of Haole Bingo? Come on, how many do you recognize?
(Er, of course, any relation between real life names and stereotypes are completely coincidental. Honest)
Dan, the surfer dude
Dan IS the man! He’s a lean, mean surf machine. He rises early to catch the best waves, is ripped where the sun don’t shine, but doesn’t notice the fan girls sitting on the beach, ogling at him.
Dan will wear whatever the hell he likes. He won’t be tamed by something as shallow as fashion. No, he lives for the salt in his lush locks and the burn in his calves. Snug trunks aside, people come second to the call of the sea.
Michelle, the adrenaline junkie.
Michelle is always on the lookout for her next fix. Skydiving, shark swimming, zip lining, she doesn’t care. She eats fear for breakfast, danger for lunch and heart-stopping action for dinner.
She loves flirting with danger and throws herself into everything, like her life depends on it. Back home, she has a normal 9 to 5, chained to her desk job. But here, she’s free. Michelle never sits still. On The Bus, at the bar, never. Watch out for Miss Speedy Gonzales. Nothing gets in the way of her next adventure.
Lorna, the yoga master
Ahhh Lorna, even the President takes a vacation, you know. Dedicated to her craft, you’ll properly see her on her way to her umpteenth yoga retreat or pissing Annie types off on the sand, while doing a downward dog and uplift.
Hair perfectly tied back and support bra on, Lorna is lightly toned, her pert behind shaped nicely in her workout pants. Lorna is an early riser and can often be found practicing the ‘way,’ in the middle of the ocean, atop a paddleboard. How the hell she does this is a mystery to all of us!
Tom, the hippy hiker
Bless Tom. Tom loves nothing more than discovering new hikes, going on weekend-long treks around the islands, hanging on top of mountains and what not. Tom is a vegan, eats an organic, gluten-free diet only and respects Mother Nature above all others.
He can be seen crawling out of his VW van at 10am after another “session” last night, pushing his glasses up his nose, while squinting at the godforsaken sunshine. His appearance is as wacky as his van, but he doesn’t care. Bring peace, not war bro.
Jack, the military man
Jack is built like f**king Sylvester Stallone and lords over everything in his 80’s style wide armed vest. Jack is a family man and is used to barking out orders. Currently, on shore leave, he gets up early to hit the gym before his two point five children and modelesque wife wake up.
Jack is stoked to be here, but is always on edge. He sips his Mai Tai, while scanning the pool crowd and gives anyone not abiding by the rules a long hard stare. Chill Jack, they’re no terrorists here, unless you count that weird dude in the corner with that red fake Hawaiian shirt on. Actually, you’re right, he does look shifty.
Elena, the goddess
Elena is too pretty for words. She eats like a f**king horse and just looks at the gym and loses weight. She coordinates her nail vanish with her swimsuit and always sports the perfect smudge proof eyeliner. (Bi**h!)
Elena is always exhibiting a ludicrously flawless tan. Seriously, how do you even get such a perfectly even tan? Does she live and die in just that one suit? That’s the only explanation, right?
Derek, the vampire in disguise
Derek Derek Derek. You do realize you’ve come to Sun City, don’t you? Derek likes to walk around with an umbrella and floppy hat, while out and about. Derek wears an assortment of long pants, crisp white shirts and knee high socks, all laid out ready to be put on at 7.08am every morning.
He has his water flask topped up everywhere he goes and carries his towel and spare clothes in a black hold all. Derek hates the sun and the heat and the beach, too. Sand gets everywhere you know and too much sun can give you cancer! No wonder he’s so pale. Can you really defend yourself from the sun in Hawaii?
Jade, the party animal
Jade is always up for a good time and is hardly ever parted from her phone. Every text is very important, gotta know where the next party is at, jager bombs are at stake.
With long straight hair never out of place and always out of the lash, Jade is rarely seen before 1pm, with her large Gucci sunglasses perched lightly on her small nose and her designer handbag slung over her arm.
Jade is permanently on vacation and spending her dough like there’s no tomorrow. Can someone please tell me her secret? Please?
Lucy and Oli, honeymooners
These two sweethearts haven’t come to Hawaii for any other reason than to make out. At the park, on the beach, over dinner, while taking a selfie, you name it, they make out.
Lucy is the girl next door type who would fade into the crowd, if it wasn’t for hunky Oli, her newly devoted husband. Oli, with his perfect olive skin and just enough gelled her, is like sex on legs. Sorry girls, he is officially taken. You can’t pry his perfect Prince Charming lips from Lucy’s for love nor money.
So, which one of these are you? Me, I’m a Geraldine, who moved to the Aloha State years ago – and now takes every opportunity she can to argue about how the islands are overrun with tourist’s blah blah. Yep, your welcome.