Okay, you’re newly single and you took the plunge. Unfortunately, you’re stuck with the proverbial bad date. And, in Hawaii of all places!
This eager beaver you brought to paradise with you is about as much fun as water boarding. Dammit, you’re supposed to be on a dream Hawaiian vacation, seeing all Hawaii has to offer, not feeling morose and beating yourself up for putting your dating profile up on the internet.
Some people need 50 ways to leave their lover. We can help you get the job done with these 7 fun Hawaiian vacation activities that will enable you to ditch Mr. or Ms. Not Right Now, Not Ever.
First, you must carefully plan this daring escape.
You need to find out some basic background information about your date, then consider fun Hawaiian activities that will actually be turn-offs for him or her. In addition, look for special weaknesses, medical conditions and other psychological problems that you can exploit.
1. Not your average tunnel of love
If your date is claustrophobic, insist that you go together to the Kohala Flumes, if you’re on the Big Island. This popular vacation activity involves mostly riding in a kayak though pitch-black, tight and narrow underground concrete channels.
Interesting Hawaii fact: The over 100-year-old flumes once supplied fresh water to the sugar cane plantations in the region.
So, you blissfully float through three miles of the system, relishing the streams, waterfalls and other natural wonders you’ll see. Make sure to point out how cool it is to be in such a confined space. At the conclusion of the journey, you’re chilled and relaxed and your date should be in a full-blown panic attack.
2. Looking for love in all the tight spaces
Looking for another fun, but claustrophobic Hawaiian activity?
Rip a page out of the Hawaiian history book and go on a captivating tour of the USS Bowfin Submarine Museum at Pearl Harbor. Find out what it was like to live and work in a World War II sub, also called the “Pearl Harbor Avenger.”
Interesting cool Hawaii fact: The historic sub sank 44 enemy ships during World War II and the Korean War.
Today, the Bowfin is a national historic landmark, where visitors enjoy tours year-round. The 10,000-square-foot interior boasts a large array of artifacts, including recruiting posters, battle flags and exhibits.
At the end of the tour, you will feel amazement and an ardent sense of national pride. Your date should feel nauseous and vomit into the nearest garbage can, between gasps for air.
3. Time to get piggy with it
Okay, suppose your companion is Vegan or Vegetarian. Where is the last place that they want to be? No, not a slaughterhouse. You guessed it – a Hawaiian luau. Just the thought of a pig cooking in a traditional underground oven should have his or her stomach churning and burning.
But wait, there’s more. Surprise your date by suggesting that you both go on a hunt to kill the wild pig before the luau, insisting that you need to know where your dinner came from (your date should appreciate your wild to plate desires). You also can claim that you need that spiritual connection with the pig, before you consume it.
Wild boar hunting on Oahu is an important part of native Hawaiian culture. The meat is traditional Hawaiian food and continues to be a popular choice at meals. We’re talking about delectable Hawaiian cuisine, like smoked pork, wild boar sausage and boar sandwiches.
In 1768, Captain James Cook brought the first European boars to the islands. On Oahu and other islands like Maui, wild pigs often roam where residents do not. So, don’t expect to see them in Waikiki or Lahaina.
In Hawaii, wild pig hunting is traditionally done by using dogs and a knife or spear. The hunt involves a determined group of men, completing their mission by gleefully stabbing their prey to death. After this, your date will not be in the mood for any luau food or another date with you. We guarantee it.
The hunters may let the pig bleed out and then probably snap selfies to post on social media. Just think, you, the dead pig and Mr. or Mrs. Right could go viral!
If some of the blood gets on your date, great. Even better, the pig attacks or chases them through the area, resulting in deep bruises, bites and possibly broken bones (just kidding, about the blood part).
Tips for defending against wild pig attacks include screaming like a child, wetting your pants, climbing trees and beating the pig with bare fists until help arrives. An experience like this should put an end to any budding relationship and even a one-night stand will be out of the question.
4. As the stomach turns
Suppose your date has a sensitive gut, food allergies or intestinal problems. There are plenty of ethnic restaurants across Hawaii that serve the kind of fire-breathing Hawaiian cuisine that can singe the tongue, sear the gastrointestinal tract and stoke a fire in the belly. (Think Ben Stiller in the dinner scene in Along Came Polly).
Wisk your date to the Kickin’ Kajun – “Hawaii’s 1st Cajun Seafood Restaurant” – in Honolulu. You can even BYOB it with a bottle of cheap wine and/or a six pack of beer.
Loverboy or lovergirl will be sprinting to the bathroom after grubbin’ on cuisine like spicy shrimp, crab, gator and frog legs. A hearty helping of Cajun Wings will no doubt send them over the edge and out of your life.
This will be particularly fun if your date’s profile announced that they were “adventurous” or “up for new experiences.”
5. Shake your groove thing in a cage
If the previous strategies fail, try a night at Rumors, a popular Honolulu nightspot where an older crowd listens to 80s and 90s dance music, shaking their groove things in cages overlooking the dance floor.
Make sure to wind up in a cage where you can shake, shake, shake your booty and gyrate like Beyonce or Bruno Mars in overdrive. If you have a cocktail, make sure to shove the umbrella sticks up your nose. It’s a definite deal breaker.
Although we’re not condoning over-consumption, a drunk version of you may be all that it takes.
6. Just slip out the back, Jack
Among the many features of the Bishop Museum in Honolulu is the J. Watumull Planetarium, which features stunning recreations of the night sky, courtesy of a state of the art video, sound and lighting system.
More important, it’s a great place to jettison a bad date. As your star-stuck companion is transfixed by the show, you slip out unnoticed. When the lights come on, you are nowhere to be found! The 70-seat planetarium has programs for all ages, in addition to special exhibits like Stars and Guitars and NASA’s Earth Observing Mission.
Just ghost them for a day or two, then apologize profusely for your broken cell phone.
7. If all else fails, fake your own death!
If the aforementioned fun Hawaiian vacation activities don’t work, there’s one final way to get this person out of your life – forever. You fake your own death (or really risk your life with a shark cage diving tour).
Remember, you don’t want anyone to find your body. We suggest going to a desolate beach, waiting for your date to visit the porta-potty. Let your companion think that you went for a quick swim – only to be swept off to sea and most likely eaten by sharks.
Make sure you alert the nearest lifeguard tower to your plans. You won’t be the first.
You could also make your date think you fell overboard during the Pearl Harbor Arizona Memorial Tour ferry cruise or persuade some locals to tell him or her you were incinerated by a lava flow on the Big Island.
Try any one or combination of these Hawaiian activities and you will once again be footloose and fancy free – free to enjoy that Hawaiian vacation you planned before Mr. or Ms. Never in a Million Years came along.
Or, you could just tell them that you’re just not that into them?